My experience with internet dating came about when my counselor suggested I seek out dates for practice. I needed to develop skills in giving feedback immediately to avoid my tendency to become what I thought a man wanted. Approaching internet dating as an assignment worked for me.
To analyze what the word "works" means, here, may be like trying to agree on Clinton's definition of "is." Let me just say that because I wasn't seeking a soul mate, internet dating "worked"for me.
I have met a lot of really nice men whom I've come to consider friends. What follows, however, is my collection of mendacity tales, stories I have collected from my field studies which allowed me to say the things I previously would have barely dared to think; encounters that helped me define my limits and desires. Some stories have been altered or combined with others to protect identities.
My first date arranged to meet at a local coffee house. He told me his height and approximate weight and that he wore glasses. What he failed to mention was that his glasses were held on by grimy, frayed, cut-off Chums. As we sat talking and sipping coffee, I noticed that his snagged polyester pants were about two sizes too small, as was his double-knit jacket. Our conversation was polite and mildly interesting, covering our jobs and hobbies. He mentioned that his social life pretty much revolved around spending time at A.A. meetings and associating with other members. As we walked to our cars, he grabbed my hand and held it. I failed my counselor's assignment by not immediately pulling out of his grasp.
At my car, I redeemed myself by backing out of his attempted hug. The next day when he called, I took a deep breath and gave him feedback. I said, no, I didn't believe we had enough in common to continue a relationship. I told him first impressions were hard to overcome and that as an attractive man he may not be serving his best interests with his clothing choices. He asked if he could buy some Dockers and try again. There was more. I quickly blurted out: "You weren't sensitive to the fact that I didn't want to be touched and I felt no chemistry with you and I really really like sex and I can't imagine I would ever want it with you and...and...good-bye."
Later, at my therapist's office, she reviewed the difference between radical honesty and unnecessary honesty, but gave me points for giving feedback in a situation where previously I would have been tempted to be his friend and try to help him more.
The nice thing about this story is that a month later, Mr. Polyester called to thank me for the feedback. He said that while it was hard to hear, he appreciated knowing that there was something he might do to improve his chances with women. He said that since going through his closet and throwing out the dated and ill-fitting clothes, he had actually had some successful encounters socially.
Mr. New Age
This man's use of spirituality and new age ideas was quite appealing. He had all the jargon down and could talk the talk and even walk the walk to some extent. He was an amazingly good listener with the appropriate eye contact and he knew every angle of what it meant to have a conscious relationship. It all sounded so appealing until he told me he would have to use my car to get to work and that soon he wouldn't have a place to live so he would have to store a few things at my house...Yeah, right (like, your body?). It was not hard to give feedback in this case.
Mr. Out-of-Town
If you view dating as practice, then you might take it one step further as I did and take clipboard in hand and just start interviewing people. It's a great excuse for just walking up to men and talking. I did this at Green Street and I include the interview here because I find his "take" on the Salt Lake scene pretty interesting:
Me: Tell me about your dating experiences.
He: Here or in my hometown?
Me: Oh, where are you from?
He: I live in Washington D.C., but I come to Salt Lake regularly. It's a great place to pick up women.
Me: Really?
He: Yeah, I think it must be the divorce capital of America. All these people marry their first loves and then 10 years later, of course they divorce because they were both so immature. They got married because that was the only way their religion would allow them to have sex and now they're horny. It's the strangest phenomenon. These girls don't consider "hummers" or hand jobs sex because there's no penetration. In some ways I really like having this bevy of women to choose from, but someday I would like to get serious and settle down. All these superficial, willing young women are so shallow and materialistic. They're so preoccupied with the fear of potential rejection. What is it with this community? Anyway, I much prefer older women like yourself (there was a 16-year age difference) because they have a sense of confidence younger women don't have. You older women know how to react to the male species. You're superior because of this and have a real down-to-earth quality. I also believe that you've mellowed on the religious thing and are therefore less complicated."
(Later that night I politely declined his oh-so-attractive offer of intimacy, explaining that I don't date men that I could have birthed.)
This man was all he reported to be in his ad, and more. He was well-spoken, good-looking, Italian, athletic and funny. We dated for two months.
He liked garlic. A lot. I tried to eat it whenever he did so I wouldn't have to smell it on him, but the times I chose not to, he was hard to be around. The stuff exuded from his pores. He'd also stuff food into his mouth and eat very fast. The massive amount he was able to cram in made his cheeks puff out and his lips protrude like a prize fighter with distorted double mouth guards. (If you remember Robert Wagner's suave character with the eating problem on Saturday Night Live, you're getting the idea.) At restaurants, I'd often sit on the same side of the table or booth to avoid seeing him eat. Once, at a party, when everyone else was sitting down eating spaghetti, he stood holding the sauce pan and fork directly in front of his face, shoveling in his portion. I walked up to him and said, "Woof." He chose to quit seeing me after that.
After the initial introductions, Mr. Philosophy sent a questionnaire for me to fill out. I have no formal philosophical background, but I found it interesting to think about his questions and tried to respond to the best of my ability. The fact that he would take the trouble to ask such deep questions led me to believe that he would consider my answers as deeply. His questions ran like this: What is your philosophy?...please articulate it in the following form: 1. What can be known? How reliable are the senses, reason, revelation? What are the limits of knowledge? What impedes knowledge? Increases it? Corrects it? 2. Metaphysics: What is reality, being, or existence? What things are real in what respect? 3. Ethics: What is good? evil? Are goods comparative? What is virtue?...etc.
I flunked. He picked apart each heart-felt, albeit unschooled response, warning me about post-modernism and street philosophy and ill-founded mitigated nihilism. Suffice it to say, we never progressed to meeting in person.
What I Learned
As I said, I've met nice guys, too. (One even helped me shovel rat droppings out of my storage shed. Can you imagine how he described that date to his friends?) They're out there. They may not be my soul mate, but maybe they're yours.
Things are rarely how they appear in print. I don't like being lied to or misled, so I suppose I'm going to have to change my age back to the real one on my profile. Now I know that one of my rules is not to lie or mislead. Filling out the profile is important and we all know it's impossible to be original, but at least we should try to be uniquely derivative.
I've learned to trust my own instincts. To be more forthright while still trying to be kind. To see how my attractions on paper play out in the real world, and vice versa. My sense of self is more durable now than at any time throughout my 12-year marriage.
Also, as I said before, this dating thing works for me because I approach it as an assignment; a learning process. With each person, I learned as much about myself as I did about him.
I suppose by nature of my participation on the web, I am looking. Maybe I'll be among the small percentage of people who get lucky. Maybe you will too.
(Another interesting tidbit: writing this article actually got me a date. A nice English gentleman wrote to my editor requesting I contact him and I did. We went out, but it didn't last because he was horribly, viciously rude to the waitress at the restaurant we went to.)
(Last tidbit: I no longer practice dating on the internet)
